It seems like the entire world is against me on this, but I hate Nanoha. The entire series is generic and uninspired. The story is cliched and predictable. The characters are flat (in more than one way) and uninteresting.

Nanoha StrikerS

I thought that maybe it’s because I am not a lolicon. Maybe it would be better if the girls were older. Nanoha StrikerS sounded like a pretty good idea. But apparently, I was wrong. It’s just as boring as ever. Let me summarize the first episode the way I saw it…

First we are introduced to Subaru, a generic hyperactive (as emphasized by her bandanna, her hand guards and her rollerskates) girl who was rescued by Nanoha from a fire and spent the following years of her life fantasizing about having hawt lesbian relationship with her saviour. I hate her.

Nanoha StrikerS
“My right hand is swelling with justice!”

Next to her is Teana, a generic tsundere twin-tail redhead who obviously has the hawts for Subaru but refuses to admit it due to her over-inflated pride. She is secretly jealous of Nanoha’s position in Subaru’s heart but at the same time she refuses to be true to her feelings and desperately tries to convince herself that she is straight. In other words, she’s a textbook example of tsunderekko. She carries a revolver that can also act as a grappling hook, making it one of the most innovative weapons in the entire series. Not.

Nanoha StrikerS
“This grappling hook revolver is a metaphor for my confused sexuality.”

The two of them are taking the qualifying exam to become serfs of the Space Time Administration. In order to pass the test to become agents for this paramilitary organization that seems to hire nearly nothing but girls, something that would’ve gotten it sued by ACLU if Japan were America, Subaru and Teana must destroy a bunch of targets within a set amount of time. Targets that move slower than the Earth’s tectonic plates and shoot tiny pulses of beams that look like they can’t even power a pocket calculator.

But somehow Teana manages to get owned anyway. The over-confident tsundere girl getting owned by a puny target drone? How unexpected. Clearly a new benchmark for future plot twists in the series.

Nanoha StrikerS
“I love you but I gotta hit you to pretend that I don’t!”

And what is even more unexpected is that despite the leg injury suffered by Teana, the two of them managed to come up with a daring and vague plan to destroy the final boss which happens to be a large generical spherical object. Shocking. I was so touched by the friendship and love they displayed through their splendid teamwork that I weeped. Or maybe it’s just sand.

Nanoha StrikerS
“Watch me skate uphill on a glowing path made of pure love!”

At this point I decided that maybe I should stop watching before the awesomeness of this show overwhelms my brain’s capacity and drives me insane with its sheer brilliance. But it was too late. My body refused to respond and I couldn’t lift my hands to reach for the left mouse button. I resigned to my fate (LOL FATE).

So anyway the two girls passed their test. Hurray! I didn’t see that one coming. Nanoha makes her grand entrance with a face that’s just as loli as ever. Apparently people in this show don’t grow older, they just grow bigger and taller. Either that or the character designer needs to work on his proportions.

Nanoha StrikerS
“takamachi nanoha desu.“

Subaru immediately goes into wai wai fangirl mode and attempts to glomp Nanoha. Teana pretends to not care but curses Nanoha in her heart. And they live happily ever after. The end.

Actually, I admit that I’m not being fair to the episode with this summary… I made it sound more interesting than it really is. :/

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